“Kourtney and Kim Take Miami” ReKap: “Dragon me Down”

Just in case the last few episodes of “Kourtney and Kim Take Miami” made you miss the rest of the Kardashian clan, they’ve returned for your enjoyment in this episode, titled “Dragon Me Down.”

Miami, of course, has a lot of fun tourist attractions and activities to offer, so Kim and Jonathan decide to try paddle boarding, with varying degrees of success. Somehow or another, Kim hears about an annual dragon boat festival that anyone can enter, and decides that it would be a great excuse for the rest of the family to come to Miami.

She pitches the idea to Kourtney and Scott and they, like us, have never even heard of dragon boat racing. We quickly learn that dragon boats are essentially massive rowboats that, in this case, hold up to 17 people, because that’s a super convenient and ideal number. Scott, our resident extreme sports enthusiast, has absolutely no interest in an activity that poses minimal risk to his life (where’s the fun in safety? None, apparently). Not to mention that Kim’s invitation to the entire family includes her and Kourtney’s stepdad Bruce Jenner, an Olympic decathlon gold medalist who Scott thinks is waaay too competitive. Scott also has an appearance scheduled in Las Vegas, but despite all of these overwhelming reasons not to participate (safety, family, and, well, okay, work is important), he agrees to do the race to make Kourtney happy.

Along with Bruce comes Kourtney and Kim’s mom, Kris, their stepsister Kylie (their other step-sister, Kendall, was oddly absent), and Bruce’s son Brandon Jenner, with his wife Leah. The family is a lot to take in, especially with all the K’s, so feel free to pause for a moment if necessary to make sure you’ve got them all straightened out.

Because the event was her idea, Kim nominates herself team captain. It’s completely obvious that Bruce is not 100 percent on board with this idea, but he doesn’t complain too much. Meanwhile, Mr. Negative Nelly (Scott) feels that with that many Kardashian- Jenners in the room, the odds are high that there will always be someone who has a problem with him, and he tries to get out of the race.

Kim is actually completely serious about the race and organized group workouts at the gym so that they can do core exercises and get into shape. Kourtney says what we’re all thinking: this is way too much work for a fun festival. Bruce feels that he knows more about fitness than Kim and refuses to take her direction. While he probably is an expert on fitness, I’m sensing some bitterness over not being team captain. Kim gets annoyed with Bruce’s attitude so she does what all angry Kardashians do: makes a dramatic exit.

Bruce apologizes to Kim and assures her that he’s given the team a nice talk to amp them all up for the festival. Kim honestly just wants this even to be about having fun,

but in line with true Olympian spirit, Bruce points out that winning is fun. Well, it’s hard to debate that.

If you’ve done a head count, you’ll realize that while there are a LOT of Kardashians to keep track of, the family still doesn’t have that many people on their boat. Almost out of the blue, Kim recruits their waiter at a restaurant to join the team, and he actually (1) is familiar with dragon boat racing and (2) agrees to be on their team. I mean, I guess that’s not weird, if it works. You can say a lot about the Kardashians, but you have to admit, they are nothing if not assertive.

Meanwhile, Leah has been nauseous for several days, causing Kourt to suspect that she’s pregnant. In trying to be helpful, Kourtney gives Leah some subtle advice without letting on that she knows.

Kim calls another team training session—this time on a conference table that they pretend is a boat. As ridiculous as it sounds, I give her credit for creativity. Bruce, however, is upset that Scott isn’t joining them, so even though Kourtney insists that Scott isn’t interested, Bruce decides to talk some sense into him. We can just tell this is gonna go over really well.

Scott tells Bruce up front that he’s really more of a speedboat guy but he does agree to join the rest of them. As the rest of the team practices rowing to the tune of Bruce’s hardcore advice, Scott is the epitome of miserable. Bruce’s competitive streak is getting worse, and after about a minute, Scott decides to leave.

Scott tells Kourtney that he doesn’t want to get into a fight with Bruce but at the same time, he doesn’t doesn’t have the energy to hang out with the entire family every day. He pulls the “only child” card and say he’s just not used to Kourtney’s big family always being there. I concede to his point; I get exhausted just watching the show, and that’s one hour a week. Kourtney encourages Scott to rebook his appearance in Vegas. He’s just as shocked as I am that she’s being this supportive, and the way they get along just warms my heart to pieces. Scott takes the next plane out of Miami.

Kourtney takes Brandon and Leah to go shopping for baby clothes. I guess they go under the guise that Kourt needs stuff for baby Penelope, because nobody says anything about Leah being pregnant. Kourtney assumes that Leah is in her first trimester and that she and Brandon are waiting until they are in the “safe” zone before breaking the news. Still, she loves watching them look at baby clothes and even through a television screen, it’s clear that the newlyweds are glowing.

Kim buys Kris a phone—yes, a phone—as a gift and then announces that she has to talk to the family. She feels super bad but…wait for it…she has to cancel on the boat race. Even though she’s the team captain. And put this entire event together. I’m embarrassed for her. But as it happens, Kanye has surprised her by coming to town

and Kim wants to be with him. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t want to be in the boat race. Bruce (equally unsurprisingly) takes over as team captain.

Kourtney brings Leah some hot water and other morning sickness remedies that have helped her in the past. She thinks Leah should rest if she’s not feeling well, but Leah refuses to back out of the race. Kourtney is fairly concerned because she thinks that Leah should take care of her body first.

It turns out that Kim CAN come to the boat race after all, but the new captain refuses to let her back on the team. Apparently, it’s never too late to keep teaching your kids lifelong lessons, and Bruce is insistent on making sure that Kim learns the value of commitment and responsibility. Excuse my eyeroll, but this is just getting absurd. This dragon boat festival is way more trouble than it was worth, considering they could have just invited everyone down for a brief vacation instead.

On race day, Bruce is busy putting some American-themed uniforms together, and even Kris confesses that he’s getting on her nerves, although as far as Kris and Bruce’s relationship goes, this is hardly a new development. Bruce, meanwhile, is just finding out that Scott is on the other side of the country and starts freaking out. Well, if you ask him, he’s completely under control, but it’s fairly obvious that his blood pressure has skyrocketed. Kris, tactfully (NOT) tells Bruce that it’s his own fault. She’s so unhelpful in her own weirdly supportive way that we just have to assume that in all their years of marriage, Bruce has learned to reinterpret everything Kris says into some form of encouragement.

At the festival, I still can’t believe that their waiter friend actually shows up with some of his friends to help them out in the race. I guess strangers do nice things for each other sometimes. Kourtney is nervous for Leah because of the heat, and the team is given a trainer to lead them through some pre-race exercises.

But wait! Kim suddenly appears with a full team in customized t-shirts, ready to compete against her family. She literally recruited everyone she knows in Miami, including Jonathan, personal trainers and…is that Chapman I detect in the crowd? Needless to say, the plot has thickened. Kim’s team is male and fitness-dominated, although Kris decides to switch teams and maybe that is a liability. Bruce is flustered by this change of events, and Kourtney is pretty amused, thinking that he’s getting a taste of his own competitive medicine.

The teams race, and…shockingly, they’re actually neck and neck the entire time. Everyone is surprised, including myself and all of Team Bruce. Somehow though, despite the stiff competition, Bruce’s team wins. Once again, I’m embarrassed on Kim’s behalf. How did that even happen? Does this show us viewers that all that hard training paid off? That it takes heart to be a winner, and not just excellent physical condition? I’m not entirely sure how Team Bruce pulled it out, but one thing is certain, and that is that Bruce is not a humble winner, especially towards Kris. So much for sportsmanship.

The whole family gets together for dinner later, which is sweet. They all have some laughs about the festival and it looks like Kim’s goal of having fun was accomplished. Then, Kourtney sees Leah drinking wine and promptly freaks out. There’s momentary confusion, at which point we discover that Leah is not, in fact, pregnant. Kourtney can’t believe it. I feel cheated. It’s actually kind of awkward for a moment. Then, in a moment of dramatic irony, the family talk about who they hope will be next to have a baby, and say that it will probably be Khloe. Well, not quite.

Before leaving Miami, Bruce gets Scott a remote-controlled powerboat for him to play with as a way of making up. Scott genuinely appreciates it, and realizes that sometimes he needs to deal with Kourtney’s family and can’t always run away from his problems. So if you’re hoping to take any kind of worthwhile lesson from this episode, perhaps that’s it.